Ch.5 Faith, Hope, Love, and getting to know the NEW ME

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I was in a good place in life, I mean I loved our small horse farm and custom built home and felt blessed to raise my kids so naturally spending most of the day outside! From barn chores, to gardening, 4-wheeling and pottery…to the pride in watching my daughter love, ride, compete, and take care of her horse to my son exploring and creating worlds (battles) in the woods and playing with his best buddies (our rural neighbors) Personally I felt we made it to that sweet spot in life, we had enough money to vacation, buy the kids nice things, heck maybe get a boob job! Life was great!

It’s no surprise going through cancer changed me. I mean I went through a multitude of phases from shock at diagnosis, sadness at my bleak future, and those horrible thoughts of why me? I’m too young! My kids need me! My husband needs me! It’s not fair, I want to see my kids graduate high school, get married, …No I NEED to be here for all their big life moments! My mother should not lose her child! Oh Dear God please hear my prayers!

FAITH: Oh the bargains and deals and promises I made to God if he would allow me to survive. Why couldn’t I have faith and KNOW He was with me, carrying me? The truth my faith was weak. I had a relationship with God but it was lacking. God was there I just needed to have faith and trust in HIM. No bargains, no promises, just pure surrender of all the doubt, fear, anger, sadness, worries, I had to find my faith again and trust with all my heart that no matter what God was with me and my loved ones and No matter what the future held I felt very close to HIM and had a renewed faith and was at peace no matter the outcome.

HOPE: Don’t read the statistics they said…well I became the most well read Ovarian Cancer patient out there! Didn’t look good at all. Over the course of my chemo, my daily cancer warriors online that I followed slowly died one by one truly saddest thing ever! I had 2 friends I saw regularly with same diagnosis both gone. It was extremely hard to have hope I kept those dark thoughts mostly private because when you are surrounded by family, friends, and a community rooting for you and showing you their love their support and prayer chains from coast to coast, I thought I had better muster up some hope from somewhere because these odds are bad but I just might be on the good side of those odds, there’s my hope don’t lose sight!

LOVE…so often taken for granted or said lightly…well let me tell you I’ve never felt more loved or given more love as we went through this crisis. I’m thankful For the opportunities to say and show my love for friends and family that may have never been expressed with such sincerity I’m also so blessed to receive such genuine love from my family, friends, and community, it was truly overwhelming and heartfelt. It meant the world to me to feel such an outpouring of love!

The New Me: I just don’t think you come back from a traumatic life event unchanged. The great news was I had SURVIVED! We had a celebration trip as soon as I was strong and healthy enough. I was so elated to be ALIVE. I was ready to resume my life, but I quickly learned I just wasn’t that same person anymore. Honestly mostly for the better. I didn’t have the same interest in shopping and materialistic things. I was all about making memories, not wasting my time God has given me. No more nit picking all the small stuff. Living my best life! I got almost 6 years cancer free before battling and beating it again…I will keep cherishing Every. Single. Day. I will keep making great memories with my family and in the end God has given me the gift to live and love deeply and appreciate all of life! To think I could have gotten hit by a bus and died and never experienced the gifts before me ❤️

I see the beauty in Life everyday from the Sun shining on my face to the sweet sounds of my loved ones’ voices. No one knows when we shall pass but I want my loved ones to know I wouldn’t have changed a thing! I wish for you to always see the beauty in your life.

6 Replies to “Ch.5 Faith, Hope, Love, and getting to know the NEW ME”

  1. You are such an awesome person! You have the most wonderful heart! Love your blog and am learning so much, I really enjoyed visiting with you and look forward to getting together again soon hopefully! I love you, and continue to pray and believe all the best for you. You are an inspiration! I am always here! Aunt Cyn

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Amazing Queen!!!! I had no idea. My son is a leukemia survivor. I understand a lot of what you went through and how you felt as I traveled the journey with my son who was 4 years old at the time of diagnoses. Now, I hope to go on a Keto journey with you… So glad Pogo brought us together.

    Liked by 1 person

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